Where do I begin

Well as you all know I had a very difficult day this past week. It was a either a damn if I do, or damn if I don't moment. I really don't know how to start this off, so I will just type, and hope you all can keep up, and it makes sense.

My emotions these days are like a upside down roller coaster. I don't know if I am coming or going most days. I do and do things around this house, not for just my benefit but for everyones. I cook, I clean, I do laundry, I help with homework, I raise my kids on my own, with little or no help from their fathers, I make sure my kids have all they need, not necessarily all they want. I am human, and I can only do so much, til I finally explode.

This particular day was a day I wished I could put behind me, and never think about again. But it's a everyday occurrance, if not every other day. I do my level best to remain strong for everyone, but in reality I am very weak. My heart has been broken a many of moon of times, and I've always found a way to try to mend it back together, even with the cracks and flaws.

My heart is not as bright red, or shiney as it once was. Matter of factly, is dim, isolated, broken, and cold.

I can handle a heart break from just about that crosses my path, and I can move on, and realize that those types of individuals are not needed in my life, for me to go on.

But the one thing that breaks my heart and tears it into a million of pieces, is when one of my children tells me he no longer loves me, that I am a bitch, a terrible mother, and my motherly abilities suck. Here I am the mother, the individual that has always been here since day one, the mother that has sacrificed so much to make sure her kids have all they need, and most if not all they want. The mother that put her education on the back burner to be home with her kids through the important years of them growing up. The mother that finally got fed up with her marriage, and realized after 5 yrs of pain, suffering, heart breaks, and bruises, that she deserved better. The mother that fought her ass off in court to make sure her kids knew she loved them unconditionally, and would give her last breathe to them if need be. The mother that has fought continously to make sure they have food in their stomachs, clothes on their backs, making appointments for her children, making sure they get ready for school, and to arrive on time, let them go on vacations out of state, etc.

Just to have it thrown into my face that I am a lousy mother, because I ask for one simple task to be done. The task is for help around this house. To help me put away clean clothing that I have washed/dried/folded, and what needs to be put away in the closet/dressers. For them to clean their rooms, so I don't kill myself either my falling, or god forbid stepping on something and lashing out with my sailor moments. To help straighten the livingroom, gathering trash up, taking dishes to the kitchen so I can wash them, to hang up their coats, to put their backpacks in neutral corners so we know where they are come the following week. To help me take the trash out to the trash cans, so that the trash collector can pick up, and we have empty cans to add more trash as the days come to us.

I ask very little of my kids. I mainly do it all. And I am mentally tired, emotionally tired, etc. I need help, I can't do all this on my own. I take into consideration that my mother (god love her) can only do so much, because of her disability. And I am fine with that. And my father runs his own business and also works fulltime on the Naval Base. I may not WORK, but I am a mother which is a fulltime job in itself. I am also a returning college student, trying to further my education, so in the future I can afford to live on my own, raise my kids, provide for them better, and give them the best life that I possibly can, with or without a man's help!

Nothing as I've said before, hurts more to hear, than to hear from your oldest child they you don't love them, that your a terrible mother, curse you out, tell you to shut up, and after all the time of raising and fighting for them to keep them safe, and loved; make the statement "I want to go live with my dad".. Knowing full well how his father treated not just me, but them as well, and what he did to his sister, and what conditions his father brought him in following the return from visitation.

Lord only knows I realize he is a teenager, and teenagers say a lot of things, but it doesn't stop the pain or hurt to hear it from their mouths. I know in heart I am a good mother. I don't spank, nor hit my kids!! Never have and never will. But my son has raised his hand to me to many times, and I won't stand for it any longer. I will not feel inferior, or be talked to that way. After all I've done, I certainly don't deserve this. I didn't put up with it from my ex husband, and I will be damned to put up with it from a snotty nosed teenager whom I love very much!!

My son tells me I should spank my kids, that will teach them lessons. That I am unfair in how I discipline each one. Well maybe that is true (as far as punishments being doled out), but a lot of that has to stem from their ages. You can't punish one child that is 16, like you would a child of 10 or 8. I do discipline as far as taking special outtings away, taking toys away, taking gaming systems away, taking allowances away, etc. That is my job!!!

When my oldest does get into trouble the automatic punishment is that he has to stay home. No going out to friends house, no friends coming over, and no phone calls from friends.

My kids just don't understand how lucky they are that they have a mother that truly loves them, and would give her own life and last breath for them. I hope as time goes on, and as he matures, that he will look back on those things that he has said to me, and realize I wasn't a bad mom after all..

Til next time ...